Celebrity Slaughter

At the ring side the commentator for Sport TV begins to talk:

We are in Earls Court to witness one of the biggest fights ever held in Britain. Today we will see the spice girls take on Korn. This fight has been talked about for many months and has taken over 6 months to prepare.

This will truly be one of the best Celebrity Slaughters in history. These superstars have been training for many weeks for this fight. They are ready to go out and maim, mutilate and kill their celebrity rivals.

Korn, the current holders of the Celebrity Slaughter World Cup, come here with an unbeaten record. They have only lost one member to date. Monkey was killed in the tragic Sex Pistols fight of 1995. This prompted the recent ban on poisonous animals inside the ring. Their most recent fight, against Status Quo, was won in under a minute, as a result some have criticised the use of heat seeking weapons during fights.

Their opponents the Spice Girls are the relative newcomers to celebrity fighting scene. They started badly 18 months ago when they lost Emma to The Proclaimers. Their career took a rapid upturn when they got a replacement Spice Girl, Psycho Fred, as lead singer. This restructure has rocketed them to the top, beating 5 top bands in only 2 months.

Korn are now entering the arena. The crowd are going wild. The fans are chanting 'Korn are cool'. There are people jumping up and down in their seats. The police are having trouble holding the crowds back.

As they step into the ring we can see the equipment that they have chosen for this fight. They each have their traditional Samurai sword. They are also carrying hand grenades, this is a departure from their usual liking for close quarters fighting. Maybe they are intimidated by the Spice Girls rapid rise to the top and are trying to use different techniques to get the element of surprise.

From the other side of the ring come the Spice Girls. In the lead Psycho Fred, carrying his trusty assault rifle and trademark dead rabbit. Behind him the rest of the girls carry a variety of high technology weapons, including a long range flame thrower with laser sighting. Some people have criticised the use a laser sighting in these fights, but some people have also criticised peoples right to own a gun, these bastards are all communist pacifist bastards and should be thrown in gaol with the key thrown away. Bastards. Sorry, got a little carried away. Despite the criticism of laser sighting its use has increased dramatically over the past 2 years.

Both bands are in the arena. The fight is ready to begin. The referee drops the flag and runs for cover. He only makes 2 steps before both sides hose him down with a spate of fire. Only two referees have ever survived a whole match and in recent months few have reached the mid ring bunker.

Jonathan from Korn starts the fight by setting off a smoke screen canister. This has distracted Psycho Fred. Head is running in to attack Mel C. He swipes at her with his sword. Mel C ducks and brings up her machete cutting Head in the arm. Head changes hands and slashes at Mel C's arm. Mel C's arm has come off. Victoria has seen the fight and is coming in to help Mel C. She throws a large rock at Head. Head is down. It looks as though he's unconscious.....

At the other side other ring Jonathan and Fieldy are using David's head to ram their way through Psycho Fred's barricade. The barricade appears to be holding, though David's head is looking a bit flatter than normal. Psycho Fred appears unsure what to do. The barricade is falling, Psycho Fred is running over tot the barricade as Jonathan, Fieldy and David charge through, David appears unconscious. Jonathan and Fieldy are attacking Psycho Fred with 5-foot bull whips. Psycho Fred retaliates with his Uzi.....Bill Gates enters the ring, apologises and leaves....The Uzi is snatched from Psycho Fred by Fieldy bull whip. Psycho Fred quickly pulls out his flame thrower. The flame thrower blows up it appears to have malfunctioned. Psycho Fred is on fire I think he's dead. The explosion has also knocked Fieldy down, he looks dead. Yes, they're dead. Psycho Fred and Fieldy are dead.

At the other side of the ring Head has come round and is using Mel C's arm to hit Victoria over the head. Her skull has collapsed. There are brains everywhere. Head is covered in brains. He is slipping and sliding in Victoria's brain.

Mel B and Jerry have been sitting in the corner eating ice creams. Now they realise they are the only members of their side left and prepare for action.

David has come round and joins Head and Jonathan in an attack on the Spice Girls. They pull out their swords and charge Jerry and Mel B. Jerry pulls out a gun and starts firing at the trio. David is hit. His body is being used as a shield by the other two. Jerry and Mel B have been knocked down be David's body hurtling through the air. Jonathan puts his sword through Mel B's heart. There is a fountain of blood 6-foot high.

Jerry is trying to set off a grenade. The grenade goes off in her hand as she runs. Her body explodes and her head is sent soaring into the air. Jonathan catches the head and starts using it for a victory game of football.

Korn retain the Celebrity Slaughter World Cup. They are the champions. You have been listening to Sport TV at Earls Court. Thank you for listening.

[Copyright Ross Newell 1997]