Sheep Maintenance

We lag behind the world in many ways, but none more so than the vital area of Sheep Maintenance. Britain, one of the pioneers of this important area, has neglected it for too long. Sheep Maintenance in Britain has a long history. Sir Milford Haven developed the Fundamental Principle of Sheep Mai ntenance at Cambridge University in 1902. Then in the 1970's when the world had all but forgotten Shep Main, Margaret Terrace of Imperial College laid down the foundations for modern Shep Main when she developed the now legendary Terrace equation.

However, shortly after this funding for Shep Main in Britain all but disappeared. Why is it that when Shep Main started to break even, Britain ignored it? Why did Britain look the other way when Shep Main could be seen as a serious commercial venture? It comes down to pride, the British people th ink they are too good for lowly Shep Main. Government and Businesses see Shep Main as an industry for inferior countries, but can we afford to ignore an industry with a turnover of £350Trillion per annum?

Prejudice is not confined to government and commercial interests, indeed here at Imperial, a place renowned for scientific achievement, there is Shep Main prejudice. One need only look at Imperial's accounts to see that the Shep Main department is seriously under-funded. The budget for IC Shep Ma in this year is only £4.32 and a McDonald's voucher, whereas Princeton USA Shep Main has a budget of £25.3 Billion and its own nuclear power station. We are seeing the best British Shep Main students head hunted by foren (foreign spelt better) universities. How are we supposed to compete with Bar celona whose Shep Main Dept has a missile launch centre and two Cray supercomputers, when are own has only a box of soggy fireworks and a Commodore 64 with a broken 't' key?

The prejudice is not confined to paper. Only last week ICHC launched a full-scale military attack on the Shep Main Dept, causing 14 students to be killed and 2 Chihuahua to be seriously burnt. The attack was launched after ICHC claimed Shep Main had spent money on research. This money, it is clai med, would be better spent on fine tuning ICHC administration.

The Chihuahua were caught in a burning building which came under attack from the ICHC 4th tank regiment. They were rescued by a team of 120 members of the ICU elite military fire service, 8 members of the rescue team died in process. The Chihuahua are recovering in a private hospital in Lambeth.

The Shep Main department signed a notice of surrender at 14.30 on 22nd April. The surrender was unconditional and will allow ICHC to expand its administrative centre into the remains of the Shep Main building. The Shep Main dept will be relocated into room 437 in the Sherfield building. According to Mr C Broker of ICHC, this will enable the spending of Shep Main to be watched and remove excess funds if necessary.

The under investment in Britain is not confined to Imperial, Cambridge Shep Main has an equally small budget and is forced to use a bus shelter to lecture 1st year students. This problem is compounded by Simon Baker using the shelter to teach 40 five year olds to read using yesterdays copy of the Sun. Oxford Shep Main, among others, has been taken over by the mafia to be used as a money laundering business.

Lack of good lecturers is not the problem, indeed Imperial has probably the best lecturer in the world. Who can claim not to have heard of the mighty Dr.G of Shep Main? A man known and respected throughout the world; A man who is offered huge sums every day by the largest companies in the world; The country's greatest living person (aside for John Peel); The coolest person on the planet (aside from John Peel); A man so cool the heaters needed to be turned on full the moment he walks in the room. Yet even with quality lecturers like these we lag behind the rest of Europe in Shep Main.

This is one of the problems the government should by tackling head on. Will we stand aside and let our ailing Shep Main industry collapse or will we stand up and fight back? The British Shep Main industry needs your help. You must stand up and say that you appreciate their work. You must buy Brit ish, even though Japan makes higher quality products at lower prices, you must support the British economy. There is still time to put Britain at the top of the pack again, but time is running out fast and the competition is strong.

[Copyright Ross Newell 1998]