Right To Walk

Today ICHC tackled one of the most serious problems that faces the future of IC: The ability to walk across the S.Ken campus without walking into hundreds of stationary people.

It is well known that it only requires 2 people to completely block the main walkway, a fact proved each and every day all along the length of the walkway by hundreds of evil, satanic, stupid, communist, abnormal, socialist, philistine, religious, fruitcake, outcast, anarchist, liberal, fascist, capitalist scum. It has, however, been a mystery why these people persist in such an obviously disruptive and irritating practice.

Blocked passageways are the main cause of so called 'walk rage'. Men and women who are normally collected, calm and reasoning people will instill great and uncontained violence on the blockers of their route with little or no warning. IC is losing 3 students per week to 'walk rage' incidents. Loss of time is costing the college £20m per month and many people get caught up in walkway-blocks for so long that they die of starvation before they get out.

ICU has, for several years, been a supporter of the Right to Walk Society (RTWSoc). A society dedicated to the right of students and staff to get from one part of the campus to another without interruption. This group has called for tougher controls on the committers of blocking crimes and the introduction of small alcoves in the side of the main walkway for people to regress should they find themselves unable to walk further. RTWSoc was responsible for the 1992 amendment to the Imperial Constitution which dictates that all blockers of a corridor automatically loses their right "not to have their head kicked in" and any person who has had vis way obstructed can "severely damage" the blocker without fear of reprimand.

RTWSoc has been forced to keep a low profile in order not to defeat its own objectives. They can't, after all, organize a march on the grounds that it will cause an obstruction, they can't put up posters because people will stop to look at them. So they have always kept a low profile.

Due to pressure from RTWSoc ICHC has now introduced a new bill that will seek to tackle the walkway blocking (WB) situation. The bill states that ANY person may inflict damage including, but not limited to, loss of sight on ANY person blocking any passageway regardless of whether the passageway is in use by a legitimate walker. And adds a compulsive element: If your route is blocked, you are compelled by ICHC to inflict a minimum of a broken arm and 1 litre of lost blood on the offender. ICHC hopes that these rules will reduce congestion on Imperial's corridors due to the evil, obstructive, dark element of college and prevent them from hampstering[*] Imperial's rise to divinity.

A special court has been set up specifically to deal with WB offences. The court will provide a fast-track system to punish WB offenders. It will be empowered to dish out sentences ranging from redoing last week's homework, through 10 years imprisonment, right up to banishment from reading Simon Baker's column.

We can only hope that these measures will help to clear the walkways and corridors of Imperial before it's too late.

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The above article is not true. Neither ICHC, ICU nor Felix condones the use of violence to clear your way. Though a quick shove in the back, knocking them to the floor is my advise.

*- "To hampster" is to hinder or encumber. It is believed to come from the mid 1700s when hampsters were used to pull carts as an alternative to horses. Since hampsters were woefully inadequate for this task hampsters came to be synonymous with sloth.

[Copyright Ross Newell 1999]