New London

A new area in London was discovered on Tuesday. The new area, situated between Chelsea and Westminster, is thought never to have been walked on by a human foot. It had previously been blocked from view by a large wall. However the wall was knocked down last week in order to build a new car park, behind it the new land was discovered. The land, provisionally called Derek, covers about 4,000 hectares.

Gynecologists believe this area may contain prehistoric flora and fauna that has not been seen since before modern man. There is even speculation this area may contain dinosaurs. Already authorities have issued warnings not to enter Derek until more is known about the indigenous wildlife.

A team of Britain's finest Gynecologists and some foreigners are being prepared to enter the region to do some serious scientific stuff. While the team is inside they will perform a thorough study of all the wildlife found.

The lead member of the expedition was going to be The Mighty Dr G of Shep Main, unfortunately he was called away to save 20 astronauts in orbit around Jupiter from asphyxiation using only a Spitfire plane and a Sony Walkman. Instead Dr Pratt elected himself leader of the group. Suggestions were made that the wall should be rebuilt while Dr Pratt is inside, however this proposal was rejected on the grounds that there would be no one left to kick in the head if one was piss*d off.

Derek is currently covered in jungle and thus almost impenetrable. Heavy cutting equipment has been moved in to try and clear a path through the area so that experts can study it in it's pristine state. The team of gynecologists will set up base camp just outside the Houses of Parliament and enter the area in groups of 3, each equipped with provisions to last 3 days, a specimen bag, walkie talkie, shovel, machete, and a 5 person camera crew complete with 500kg of gear.

The groups will move rapidly towards the centre of the area to set up a princess Diana memorial that can be used to raise money to fund the rest of the expedition. Once the memorial is in place they will start by making a basic geographical survey of the area to establish whether there are oil deposits for their sponsors to exploit.

Once the preliminary preparations have been completed the group will start on the main purpose of the expedition, to study the fauna and flora in this untouched area of great scientific value. Derek will be split into 4 sections, with each section studied by separate team. Dr Pratt will command the operation from outside Derek to avoid dangerous animals. He will enter Derek only to be at the scene of any major discoveries attended by a TV crew.

On such occasions he will explain at length how he found the discovery and will go on to explain how this proves any and every theory that he has ever thought up including: Dr Pratt?s theory of relativity, evolution, Dr Pratt?s uncertainty principle and Christianity. He will finish up by explaining what a wonderful person he is and how the world would fall apart if it weren't for his continued presence. He will then have his head kicked in by the producer of the TV crew.

The research team will be given 2 weeks to make a thorough study of the area before it is burnt and cleared to make way for commercial developments. The government is discussing what to do with the land with several major international firms and hopes to build a Princess Diana industrial estate. The sale of the land will raise over £100millon for the treasury.

An 8 part documentary following the exploration of the area will be screened over the next few weeks. The documentary could follow the trials and tribulations of the group as they battle with the difficult scientific task that they have been given. It may show the battle against the authorities in an attempt to gain more funding and time, but is more likely to focus on the divorces of a pair of scientist who were found in close contact during an excursion into Derek.

[Copyright Ross Newell 1998]