Advice for Freshers

Here are some words of wisdom for all the new members of Imperial.

First you will have spent the summer telling friends, family and complete strangers that you are going to university in October, only to arrive at a 'college'. Don't be disappointed there is a reason for this, not a very good one, but it does exist. You will not be getting a degree from Imperial, but from London. This is, however, a minor problem that will be solved in the next few years as ICHC (Imperial College High Command) gradually progresses in it's endeavour to take over all educational establishments in Britain and the world (obviously I don't mean take over all educational establishments in the world, just take over the world). This will enable you to pick and choose the type and location for your degree or even just take over a small country.

A difficulty you will come across at some point is the shopping trolley. First of all, in the words of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, DON'T PANIC. Sainsbury's shopping trolleys are from a domesticated breed and will not bite unless provoked.

You may have seen stories in the news about the appalling conditions that shopping trolleys are forced to live in. Fear not, Sainsbury's shopping trolleys are well cared for. During the day they are allowed to feed in between carrying your goods and at night they are allowed to run free through the store. There are none of the conditions you may have seen on the TV where shopping trolleys are chained together and forced into such small places that they have to climb into each other's bodies to make room.

In order to control your trolley you must take a firm line. If you allow the trolley to think you are not in control it will run away with you. If your trolley misbehaves you must give it a short sharp kick to bring it back to order. Trolleys do not like to be left alone for long in a crowed area. If you do leave your trolley for more than 2 or 3 minutes it will very likely wonder off and relocate itself in a more quiet spot.

It is important that you choose a trolley that is suitable for the kind of person you are. There is little point choosing a high class thoroughbred trolley if you are the kind of person who likes to walk around the supermarket at a sedate pace. The reverse is also true; you should not choose a slow lumbering hack if you wish to travel round the supermarket at high speed. You can determine the type of trolley you have chosen by feeling the wheels and watching how it rolls about the floor. Do not eat raw potatoes.

Correct supermarket etiquette should be maintained at all times. Never stop in the middle of the aisle for more than 1.4secs, never park you trolley in a narrow passage or crowded area. Preferably you should store your trolley in a dark and secluded place while you hunt out your goods, this will allow your trolley to rest and you and others to move through the shop more easily.

When at the delicatessen take at least 5 tickets from the machine, this will get you served quicker and allow you to make mini helicopters out of them while you are waiting. When buying cheese always ask for it by name, never point. This is because the names are written in tiny letters on the back and the assistant will have to spend a good 5mins looking for each cheese. Always buy 7 or 8 cheeses in 35g portions, this will aggravate the assistant to a very satisfying level.

At the checkout it is important to change queues as rapidly as possible in order to get to the front quickly, with the added benefit of causing havoc among other shoppers. Once you are at the front you must try to pay using your student ID card. Insist vigorously that it is a valid form of payment and demand to see the manager at the top of your voice. Finally concede to pay by credit card only when all shoppers have departed from the queue behind you. When you are asked for a Reward card present your library card and repeat above procedure. Live chickens should not be taken into the shop.

[Copyright Ross Newell 1998]