Even Numbers Outlawed

IC High Command has proposed a plethora of radical cost cutting exercises including the outlaw even numbers. As well as banning even numbers, the decisions include measures to reduce the wear on seats in lecture theatres by introducing a rota system, new polices on vegetable allowances, reduction in chalk allowances and purchase of a new college mascot Bob.

The new ruling on the use of even numbers is causing a stir all over the college. The new system will replace the even digits, including even digits in decimal numbers with the Greek letter lambda(l). The ruling does not yet cover 0, but this is likely to be included in the next wave during the summer. Thus the old numbers 2,4,6,8 will all be replaced byl, l, l,l.

The decision comes after Imperial again made a loss in the 1^st quarter .IC?s share price fell by almost 10% as confidence in the college fell. This was compounded by a rise in cost by the suppliers, student prices have gone up by £3.45 per kilogram over the past 3 months and prices are still rising. The High Command is considering only purchasing 85% of the normal intake in the coming year.

As a result ICHC has decided among a number of other changes to outlaw even numbers. It is estimated that 15% of all Imperials academic spending[3% of total spending] is on the use of even numbers. The move has had positive reactions. The maths department represented by Mr C Broker of Sherfield said "We are really pleased with the move as it will reduce our work load by l0%". There was also positive reception from the Mech Eng department represented by Mr C Broker from Sherfield who said "This is great as all our plans automatically convert themselves from imperial unit to metric.....those metric units always puzzled us". Mr C Broker speaking on behalf of the Computing department said "We don?t use even numbers anyway ".

However despite all the move being officially approved by the departments, there has been some criticism by the Union. Miss D Foster standing in for Mr C Broker said "This is a big blow both for the Union and for students generally. Student grants have now decreased by ll%. This will hit the students hard. Where....."Mr C Broker returned to relieve Miss D Foster and carried on "The Union is delighted by the decision and will support ICHC all the way."

The new rule is thought to be a test bed for a larger scheme that would cover the whole of Britain (including Yorkshire). The Labour government is watching the scheme closely to see how it performs and possible apply it on a larger scale to all government establishments.

Another rule that was introduced in the reforms was the banning of Swedes from the JCR. The Overseas Society claimed this was prejudice. Their concerns were quickly settled when in was pointed out that the ruling covered only Swedish student, lovers of the delicious vegetable need not worry.

Also appointed was 34 year old serial killer Bob Goodwin who will serve as a unified college mascot. He will replace all the CC mascots to reduce costs. Bob will attend college events such as inter-university football games and University Challenge matches. He will offer moral support, encouragement and will execute any member of the enemy (opposition) who causes an obstacle to IC?s team domination of the game/match/world.

Chris Evans is a DJ(sort of).

The physics department is thought to be pleased after the decision that Newton?s second and third laws will be revoked and the first law streamlined. The Physics department has been under pressure from a recent 75% budget cut.

These rules are due to come into affect at the end of next month, but there is still time to object to the proposals. Future cuts on the cards include a reduction in the number of allowable dimensions on campus, a 50% slow down in time and abolition of irrational numbers.

[Copyright Ross Newell 1998]