Elephant Farming

Severe damage was caused during a surprise raid by animal rights activists last Tuesday. The activists started grouping in front of the Huxley building around 7pm. At 7.15pm they forced their way into the Maths department and headed for the lower basement. Once there, they blew their way past three steel doors using plastic explosives, killing two security guards and maiming a Chihuahua before arrived in the Maths departments Low Probability Statistics (LPS) testing laboratory. Here they found some of the worst animal cruelty found in the UK.

It is little known that the Huxley building has two basements. The higher one is used for lectures, housing the boilers and other normal activities. The unmarked, low profile lower basement is a large laboratory used by the Statistics department for LPS testing. The existence of this laboratory is known only by a few senior members of the Statistics department. Access is granted to even fewer members. The laboratory is a large complex spreading right under Queens gate and as far south as the Natural History Museum.

Why all the secrecy? What goes on in this laboratory? Although some work is done by the Shep Main Dept it is used mainly for LPS (the study of probabilities less than 0.0004), at this level testing cannot be carried out using mice, rats or rabbits due to their mass being insignificant in proporti on to their Wilson Factor. The Wilson factor is the ratio of a body's theoretical random behaviour over the ability to carry out measurable activity. For example an atom may have a high probability of changing state, but the activity of changing states is negligible; However a man with a gun may be unlikely to pull the trigger, but the effect of pulling the trigger could be large, so the man has the higher Wilson factor. A large mass is needed so that the Wilson factor's limit at infinity is still measurable. It is thus necessary to use rhinos, hippos or elephants in LPS experiments. In orde

What are these experiments? In the experiments the elephant is tranquillised then exposed to very unlikely events (normally this involves national lottery winners or Conservative MPs). When the tranquillisers has worn off, the elephants' actual random activity is measured. It is then measured eve ry half hour until the elephant dies of confusion, usually two or three weeks later.

Are the experiments necessary? Although theoretical statistics does require large amounts of real life data, it is generally accepted that the amount that was going on in the Maths department was beyond reasonable limits. LPS can be affected by random events; these can cause equations to become u nstable or even spontaneously degenerate. Degeneration is where a sequence of low probability events occur, causing an equation previously proved using Mathematical rigour to become untrue by changes in the fundamental unit of logic (the log). This however can only happen while the equation is i n the theoretical state, once the equation has gone through a practical application its validity becomes fixed. Thus in order for the statisticians work to become valid, an experiment must be carried out using the new equations.

Upon inspection discrepancies between the number of published papers and the number of elephants held became apparent. In most institutions there are approximately 0.7 papers published for every elephant held every year. Over the past four years the Statistics department has produced only two pap ers on LPS yet holds 75 elephants, well below the expected standard. It has been suggested in some quarters that the reason for the high number of elephants held in captivity could be the highly popular Elephant Derby's held every Wednesday afternoon. These are 2 mile races between up to six elep hants run around an underground circuit. Imperial's circuit is the second largest in the world and capable of holding 100,000 spectators. Entrance is granted only to experts in the field of LPS. Many believe the reason for the large number of 'experts' at the department is less the studying of th e co

It is a well-known fact the 72% of lottery winners are statisticians. Now it is clear why. The statisticians are coming to Imperial and practising their betting on very low probability events. Then, once they have obtained a reasonable degree of success, they try their hand on the national lotter y with its comparatively good odds.

When questioned on the Maths Dept's role in the maintenance of the LPS laboratory head of the Maths Dept High Command was quoted as saying "I'll give you 7-1 on Blessed Beast in the 3.15 at Newmarket." When the question was repeated, he said "Although we were aware that there was activity going o n in this laboratory, we were unaware of the scale". He went on to say there would be a major investigation into the laboratory and did anyone want a hot tip for the 1.20 at Sandown.

Once the animal rights activists were in control of the LPS laboratory they proceeded to release the elephants into the wild. Less than half the activists survived the stampede. The rest are being sued for over £4Billion of damage due to 75 elephants running rampant through London. In particular they are being held responsible for the deaths of 400 black taxi drivers who became aware of previously unknown mating habits of African elephants shortly before dying a particularly horrible death.

It is only due to the heroic efforts of the mighty Dr.G of the Shep Main Dept that all the elephants were herded up without compromising the following days race meeting. He bravely jumped on the back of a charging bull elephant and griped it by the ears. He then proceeded to single handedly round up the other 74 elephants using only a Swiss army knife and a broken boot lace.

It is fortunate that the mighty Dr.G of the Shep Main Dept was on hand to recover the situation, otherwise the situation could have been a lot worse. IC High Command and Maths High Command are currently investigating the activities of the LPS lab. The results will be published in Jan 2013.

[Copyright Ross Newell 1997.]