The Mighty Dr.G

I have finally done it. I have hacked into the college computer and created a false ID. I can now pass through college as myself, Snow, or under the alias Mr Milton Keens. My retina scan, finger prints and DNA code are all stored on the computer. I was born on 14^th September 1921, I live in 11 Downing St and most importantly I am a first year member of the Shep Main Dept and am thus entitled to enter Mighty Dr.G lectures. And on 27^th January 1999 I did.

Who can claim not to have heard of the Mighty Dr.G? A man known and respected throughout the world; a man who is head hunted by universities the world over. This county's greatest living person; the coolest person on this planet. And I have been to see one of his lectures; I have experienced the wonder that many seek, but few find. I will now share my experience with you.

Going to a G-man's lecture is one of the most pleasurable things any student can do, but it is a pleasure that only Shep Main students are allowed. In fact it requires half of Imperial's security staff to keep students from other departments out. There has been a huge increase in the number of fake college IDs being made so that students from other departments can get into one of his lectures. I had tried to get into a G'ster lecture last week using only a fake ID, but my retina scan wasn't on the computer. Now the computer has been hacked I can go freely in and out of The-G's lectures.

I queued up outside the Terrace lecture theatre for 27 hours before the start of the lecture in order to get a good seat. Then at 11.00 on Tuesday the doors were opened and I with about 7,000 other students entered the security clearance centre, only 500 students left the other side, fortunately myself among them. The security measures surrounding a Funky George lecture rivals the Bank of England. After passing through the ID check with 10 armed guards and two permanent floor mounted machine guns you still have to pass through the DNA test and retina scan. And the final brain scan can only be overcome using state of the art hypnosis techniques.

On entering the lecture theatre you wait in absolute silence for Cool-G to join his eager students. At 12 o'clock exactly the door at the back of the room opens and the greatest lecturer on the planet steps into the room. The crowd goes mad. There is a chant started, "We love George. We love George...'. Funky G walks down the steps in his big leather flight boots. He brushes aside the hoards of screaming females. From my position I could only just see him over the masses of students. Imperial security covered the crowd in tear gas to try and calm the scene.

A first year student tried to get down on his knees in order to worship the great man, but got in G's way. G quickly and efficiently kicked his head in. The unfortunate student regained consciousness after 4 hours, missing the lecture.

When he reached the bottom of the steps he took his beaten sheep skin jacket off and casually threw it over the lectern. He raised his hand above his head, paused.... and lets it drop. The audience fell immediately silent. Not a thing could be heard. Someone at the front tried to breath. The noise attracted the G-man's attention he spun around, pulled out his Smith and Wesson and shot. The bullet passed through the students file, ricochets off the wall, hit the students pen on the return journey, snapping it in half, and landed on the table at the front of the lecture theatre. Someone rushed to the front to get the bullet as a souvenir.

G removed his mirrored pilots Ray-Bans, hooked them over the top of his T-shirt, rested his thumbs on his studded leather belt and said "Hey mother fuck*rs, today we're going to learn the XYZ equations". The applause from this statement lasted 5 minutes during which time the mighty G got out a can of beer. He opened it by thrusting it into the closest student's mouth and punching him until he bit the top off. He took a sip and the audience started to quieten down.

He continued. The G'ster stood at the front while a technician wrote down the appropriated diagrams and equations on the board. After a particularly important system description he said "This is a particularly important system description" and a student near the front is so over-awed that she faints.

During the time that it took for the medical team to remove the unconscious student. His excellence pulled out a gold plated comb from his stone washed jeans and combed his already perfect gelled back hair. He looked out over the audience and saw 200 heads with gelled back hair and satisfied himself that none look as perfect as his own. All male Shep Man students want to be like their mentor and idol The-G (What the female students want is best left to the imagination). After assuring himself of his godlike status he proceeded with the lecture.

At the end he finished in his traditional way of threatening to kill anyone who gets less than 98% on their homework and killing 2 students who got only 97.8% on their last homework. He then grabs two female students, steps out of the room and walks off into the sunset with a slight limp in his right leg from when he saved 200 people from a burning 747 in mid air.

Going to this lecture was one of the most pleasurable things I have ever done. I hope that I brought a little bit of happiness to your Monday morning with this report. If you have the necessary technology I would strongly recommend, you hack the college computer and create a false persona so that you too can attend one of these marvellous events. Alternatively simple quit your present boring degree and re-enrol as a Shep Main student, then you will be able to attend a lecture every week. On this happy thought I will leave you.

[Copyright Ross Newell 1998]